Looking Out for Others

Worried about someone?

Difficulties with friends, family, work or college as well as normal everyday stresses can impact on our mental health causing us to be irritable and anxious. We may also display signs of poor concentration, mood swings or sleep disturbance. These feelings are normal and generally are as a result of a particular incident and will usually pass. If however, you notice that they don’t go away or that they are intensifying or becoming extreme, then they could be the symptoms of a mental health problem and professional support should be sought. You may want to talk to them about it and help them to find appropriate professional support services. Some people may be at greater risk of developing a mental health problem than others. There are signs and symptoms you can look out for.

If you think that someone you know might be having problems, try talking first. Most people will turn to a friend for support during tough times, so being there for your friends can really help. They may need your support while they look for professional help.

What to do?

Ask them openly about how they are feeling
Give them time and space to tell you
Go for coffee / to the cinema / for a walk
Listen
Try not to ‘give up’ on them

Listening

Probably one of the most useful ways you can help someone is by really listening to what they need to say. Sometimes we hold back from giving someone the opportunity to talk about what’s bothering them because we feel an expectation to solve the problem. In reality, our friends often simply need to be able to put into words the difficult thoughts and feelings they’ve been experiencing.

Active listening involves really trying to understand what the other person is saying, without imposing our own expectations or judgements. There are a few do’s and don’t if you’d like to do this well.

Do:

Encourage – by using encouragements such as “I see”, “yes”, “mmhmm” and “okay” you’re making it easier for the other person to continue to talk and letting them know that you’re paying attention to what they’re saying.
Reflect words – repeat back to the person what you’ve just heard them say. E.g. “I’m really struggling” could be followed up by you with “So you’re finding it a real struggle at the moment”. Be sure to use the exact words that they have used. Sometimes people are surprised to hear their own words reflected back to them.
Reflect meaning – take an opportunity to reflect back what you understand them to be saying, using your own words. E.g. “So you’re telling me that you’re really stressed out at the moment”. This allows the other person to confirm that you understand what they’re telling you, or to correct you, if you’re wrong.
Ask clarifying questions – ask questions to deepen your understanding of what they’re saying to you. E.g. “I don’t know how I’m going to keep going in this job”, could lead to a clarification like: “are you thinking of resigning?”.
Be present – be aware of how you’re feeling in the situation and how you’re reacting to what you’re being told. Are you anxious, sad, hopeful, confused? Its likely that the other person is feeling some of this too. Don’t be afraid to name your own feelings, as it may also help your friend to feel understood.
Remember non-verbals – don’t forget about the non-verbal communication that’s going on between the two of you. Most of what we communicate to others is through our non-verbal actions, rather than our words. You’ll pick up a lot on how your friend is feeling from their body language. Are they making eye contact? Are they fidgeting? Try to make eye contact during the conversation, and make note if your friend isn’t able to hold eye contact. Much

Don’t:

Don’t tell the person they’re wrong – if someone is talking about their experiences and emotions, there are no wrongs. You may not experience the same situation in the same way, but there is no faster way of letting someone know that you’re not listening to them by saying “you shouldn’t feel this bad” or “you’re over-reacting” or “its not as bad as you think”.
Don’t talk too much – try to hold back from offering too much advice or your own experiences. You can’t really hear and understand your friend’s experience if you’re trying to think of ways to make it better, or trying to change their mind. The first step is to listen.
Don’t try to solve their problem – sometimes it can be more important to know that someone else has heard you, than to have someone suggest solutions. Do ask your friend if they know what they want to do next. We often have the resources within ourselves which are just waiting to be tapped into.

Finally, when you do find yourself actively listening to a friend or colleague, acknowledge at the end what it has meant to you that they have spoken with you. It can be the hardest thing in the world to open up to someone else, and it’s a privilege when they do.

Look after yourself
Remember, it is important to look after your own mental health, so don’t take on more than you feel comfortable with. Talk to someone about your concerns. You are not responsible for everyone else, but you can offer support. It can be a huge worry if someone tells you that they have thoughts of suicide. Sometimes they don’t want you to tell anyone else, but you must explain to them that you can’t keep this to yourself and that you can help them get the support they need. If someone confides in you, it means they are reaching out for help. If they didn’t want help, they wouldn’t have told you.

A free booklet on looking after your mental health can be downloaded here. You can order directly from here. The booklet is available in English, Polish and Russian.

Visit our Help and Support Page if you think you or someone you know needs help now